February e-news
Dr
Suzy Green & Associates
Love is in the air! Traditionally, February is the month of love, with Valentine's Day occurring on the 14th. Even if you believe "it's all commercial", it's a great reminder of how important love is to all of us. While on Valentine's Day there's a focus on "romantic love", love exists in many forms and can be expressed in many ways. Psychologists usually differentiate three primary forms of love being: 1) a child's love for a parent; 2) a parent's love for a child; and 3) romantic love. Within the field of Positive Psychology, "the capacity to love and be loved" is one of the 24 character strengths, identified as a strength of humanity, along with kindness and social intelligence. This month I'll be discussing the positive benefits of cultivating love and more broadly lovingkindness.
Last month I spoke about going slow and being idle. Personally, I've made Sundays my "idling day" which means no tight timelines, no rushing and no planning (or if you have to have a plan - 1 plan only ie a long Sunday lunch). As the momentum of the busy year kicks in, it's important that you don't let work or plans impinge on your "idling time". Be committed to this, knowing the benefits you'll reap by taking time out. Make sure too, holidays and mini-breaks are locked in your diary for the rest of the year. I'm off to the European Positive Psychology Conference being held on the Croatian Coast - see http://www.pospsy.ffri.hr - looks stunning! And while it's work-related, I've ensured there is "idling time" in there too ie a champagne by the pool!
Month 1 - 2008 - Love
As stated above, the capacity to love and be loved is one of the 24 character strengths in the VIA Strengths Inventory (Peterson & Seligman, 2004). To determine the rank order of your character strengths, visit http://www.authentichappiness.com/ and take the free self-assessment). Chris Peterson, one of the developers of the VIA recently stated "love not surprisingly is a robust correlate of life satisfaction - perhaps the chief one." Love, then, is central to creating a flourishing life!
My experience in utilizing the VIA with clients, is that if "Love" is ranked as one of their top 5 signature strengths, in an organizational setting, then there is some "embarrassment" over not being perceived as a "serious executive". The following discussion then usually consists of pulling apart what an "effective executive" is and how utilsing both "backbone and heart" can not only assist the executive to be their best but to bring out the best in those that they manage and interact with on a daily basis (for further reading - refer to Mary Beth O'Neill's book "Executive Coaching with Backbone & Heart", Jossey-Bass, 2000).
Peterson reports that research has shown that love as a character strength distinguishes the best leaders. Jane Dutton, a researcher in the field of Positive Organisational Scholarship (http://www.bus.umich.edu/Positive/) claims that "high quality connections," which she acknowledges can be understood as love, are the difference between low performing and high performing workplaces. John Gottman, a well-known researcher of relationships, has found that the same relationship patterns that form the foundation of a good marriage also underlie friendships and business relationships.
Our capacity to love and be loved can be seen as being central to developing healthy relationships. My suggestion then would be to ask yourself what value do you personally place on love in your life? Do you place a greater value on relationships or performance outcomes? I recently heard of a company that changed its focus from increasing output to improving relationships (both internal and external) with significant gains to output occurring as a result.
At work and in our personal lives, our ability to cultivate love and kindness (or lovingkindness) can have benefits for the people we interact with and also for ourselves. Buddhists believe that those who cultivate lovingkindness or metta will be at ease because they see no need to harbour ill will or hostility. It is generally believed that interacting with a metta-ful person you will feel more comfortable and happy too. Meditation practice on lovingkindness is thought to contribute to a world of love, peace and happiness (wikipedia.org). Here's for more lovingkindness!
This Month's Action Plan - "Feel the Love"
This month I would encourage you to make a commitment to being mindful of "love" in your life. How do you express love to your family and friends? Have your told your parents (if they are in your life) that you love them recently? Do you tell your children on a regular basis how much you love them? We all need to feel loved!
And what if you're not in a romantic relationship? There has never been another time in history when humans have spent so much time alone. There can be many periods throughout our lives when we either choose to be alone or find ourself through unexpected circumstances to be alone. Our social networks play an important role here and so do our relationships with our pets! Never underestimate the healing benefits of having a pet that loves you unconditionally!
Reflect on the relationships in your life, at work, and in your personal life. In what ways could you express more love or lovingkindness in these relationships? Commit to taking action - identify 2 or 3 actions/behaviours you could engage in this month that would communicate lovingkindness. Jack Cornfield in "The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness and Peace" (Bantam Books, 2002) claims that once your heart opens firstly to loved ones and friends, you will find in the end you won't want to close it to anyone".
And for Valentine's Day - buy red roses or red lingerie and have a lavish lunch or dinner if you want to - whether you're in a relationship or not! Self-love is equally as important!
Next Month…I'll be exploring further the benefits of enhancing our relationships at work and in life.
Our time is too precious not to love
Jack Kornfield
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