March e-news

Dr Suzy Green & Associates

Easter occurs this month and for many of us it means a long weekend, catch-ups with family and friends and of course Easter eggs, bunnies and various other forms of chocolates! Decide whether you're going to be a "planner" or "panner" at Easter. I've borrowed this description from a friend who believes there are basically two types of people in the world ie the "planners" and " the panners". Planners like to think ahead and have a set plan to organize their time, even on holidays. Whereas "panners" like to let the day "pan out" and choose to either do one thing or even nothing! (Thanks Rolf!). Sounds a bit like idling to me (see my January 08 e-news). If you don't have plans, Easter might be a great month to practice your "idling" skills! If you're a planner, don't try to plan too much, give yourself a well deserved break and practice your skills of "savouring"!

SPECIAL NOTE: Next month, the First Australian Positive Psychology & Well-Being Conference is being held at the University of Sydney (www.positiveaustralia.org) sponsored by eleven Australian Universities. There are speakers from across Australia and invited international speakers from the field of Positive Psychology. The program schedule looks fantastic covering topic such as positive psychology at school, work and in health. It runs over the weekend of the 5th & 6th April. Book early as spaces are filling quickly. Hope to see you there!

Last month I spoke about love and practicing the Buddhist concept of lovingkindness. At Easter time when reconnecting with family and friends, try to be "mindful" of your mental and emotional state and utilize this opportunity to extend lovingkindness to those you meet and greet, even in difficult family situations where they might be a history of tension or negativity. Don't forget, Easter is an important time on the Christian calendar and reflects the values of love and forgiveness.

Month 3 - 2008 - Lovingkindness & Forgiveness

Our relationships have a significant impact on our overall mental health and psychological well-being. If you reflect on how you felt in times when you've argued with a friend, family member or even a co-worker, you will recall and recognize the tension you experienced which can take a toll, both psychologically and physically ie feeling drained.

In both my professional and personal experience, it's often miscommunication that occurs that's never resolved or expectations that haven't been met with one party feeling hurt, disappointed, frustrated or angry with the other party. There's often a lot of attachment to how we believe the other person "should" or "shouldn't" have behaved ie "He should've asked me first!". In other cases, a grievance is formed over something that "shouldn't" have happened or what someone did or didn't do for/to me. These grudges and grievances can consume a lot of our time and emotional energy.

Whilst you may believe that you were "right" and they were "wrong", it may be that there are no absolutes and it's just a matter of perspectives or points of view, which we are all entitled to. Even if someone has done something that is disrespectful or even harmful, if you are still harbouring negative emotions towards that person or in recollection of the memory, then you are continuing the process and extending the effect it's having on you.

This Month's Action Plan - "Letting Go"

This month I would encourage you to consider any relationships in your life where there is unresolved issues or continuing tension. Identify any ANTS (see e-news from July 07) that you hold in regard to this person eg "He's an idiot!", "She's a witch!". Try to see the person as a human with both strengths and weaknesses. Try to be mindful of your own weaknesses (yes, we all have them!) and reflect on how you would hope your friends, family and co-workers might extend loving kindness and forgiveness to you on the times you stuff up, say or do something hurtful often unintentionally.

I understand that in some situations, people have suffered significant trauma at the hands of others. There may be a therapeutic process that a person needs to go through and time to heal. In my experience though, there are many situations where small grudges and grievances are held on to way past there use-by date. Again in these situations, the inability to "let go" means the person who has been "wronged" is continuing to experience the negative outcome of the event/situation. Whilst forgiveness can release the offender from guilt or sorrow they are experiencing, it also releases us from all of the hurt and anger we feel by holding onto the grudge, which I believe can literally eat away at us over time.

Forgiveness is also a strength identified in the VIA Strengths Inventory (Peterson & Seligman, 2004). If you've taken the test (www.authentichappiness.org), review your results and see whether forgiveness is one of your signature strengths or where it sits on the listing of the 24 strengths. If it's towards the bottom, perhaps take some time to reflect on your beliefs of forgiveness and whether there might be any benefit to you in challenging your thinking around this often highly emotional topic.

Within the field of Positive Psychology, there have been over 20 interventions conducted so far on "forgiveness". They demonstrate that grievances or hurts can be significantly reduced and that positive thoughts and feelings toward an offender can be increased through forgiveness training. One model I've found useful is the "REACH" Model (Worthington, 1998). The following extract is taken from the Centre for Confidence website (www.centreforconfidence.uk): Think of a person who has hurt you and apply the steps to REACH forgiveness.

Recall the Hurt. When we are hurt, we often try to protect ourselves by denying our hurt. We think, often correctly, that if we don't think about it, it won't bother us. If unforgiveness keeps intruding into your happiness or gnawing ulcers in your gut, consider forgiving. Recall the hurt as objectively as possible. Don't rail against the person who hurt you, waste time wishing for an apology that will never be offered, or dwell on your victimization. Instead, admit that a wrong was done to you and set your sights on its repair.

Empathize. Empathy involves seeing things from another person's point of view, feeling that person's feelings, and identifying with the pressures that made the person hurt you. To empathize with your offender's experience, write a brief letter to yourself as if you were the other person. How would he or she explain the harmful acts?

Altruistic gift of forgiveness. Empathy can prepare you for forgiving, but to give that gift of forgiveness, consider yourself. Have you ever harmed or offended a friend, a parent, or a partner who later forgave you? Think about your guilt. Then consider the way you felt when you were forgiven. Most people say, 'I felt free. The chains were broken.' Forgiveness can unshackle people from their interpersonal guilt. By recalling your own guilt and the gratitude over being forgiven, you can develop the desire to give that gift of freedom to the person who hurt you.

Commit to forgive. When you forgive, you can eventually doubt that you have forgiven. When people remember a previous injury or offense, they often interpret it as evidence that they must not have forgiven. If you make your forgiveness tangible, you are less likely to doubt it later. Tell a friend, partner, or counselor that you have forgiven the person who hurt you. Write a 'certificate of forgiveness,' stating that you have, as of today, forgiven.

Holding onto forgiveness. When you have doubts about whether you have forgiven, remind yourself of the forgiveness and tell yourself that a painful memory does not disqualify the hard work of forgiveness that you have done. Instead of trying to stop thoughts of unforgiveness, think positively about the forgiveness you have experienced. If you continue to doubt your forgiveness, work back through the REACH Model.

Next Month…I'll be discussing how emotional intelligence can be utilised to create a more contented and flourishing life.

"To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love.
In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness"

Robert Muller

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